I NEED BRAIN JUICE

I NEED BRAIN JUICE TO BRING ME OUT OF THIS DELUSIONAL STATE.

I am about to jeopardize, yet again, another opportunity for me to "realize" my dreams via earning appropriate compensation overseas. Last Friday an agency personally e-mailed me urging me to report to their office for Principal's Personal Interview and Final Review of Documents. The qualifications were as follows:

Qualifications: STAFF NURSES: SALARY OFFER: S$ 2000.00.mo (inclusive housing accommodation) Male & Female, BSN grad. 22 to 34 yrs. old, minimum of 3 yrs. Experience in a 200 or more bed capacity hospital as Staff Nurse after POST-REGISTRATION from Professional Regulation Commission. ASSISTANT NURSES:SALARY OFFER: S$ 1,250 mo (inclusive housing accommodation) Female, BSN grad. 22 to 34 yrs. old, minimum of 1yrs. Experience in a 100 or more bed capacity hospital as Staff Nurse after POST-REGISTRATION from Professional Regulation Commission.

I sent an application in this said agency through their website months back and they only replied to me now. I was shocked, relieved and confused when I saw their e-mail in my inbox. Shocked because i have never thought in a million light years that i would be personally e-mailed by this agency since i haven't yet earned the desired hospital experience (as claimed by Philippine Recruitment Agencies) to work in Singapore. Relieved because well, FINALLY! It's about time they replied to my application. Confused because of the parts i highlighted in the "Qualifications" part of their e-mail. I am puzzled why they bothered e-mailing me, since i am not the type who will falsify his qualifications in his CV just to land an interview, especially since this is mothafreakin' Singapore! The Employers and Work Visa people there are ruthless. So what was the best thing i did in my opinion? E-mail them back. I asked them to clarify their (hopefully not) erroneous inclusion of my name in their roster. Until now they haven't replied yet. But i am hoping that until tomorrow i will be getting a reply from them so that i will be able to decide whether i will be risking P 2,000.00 again to travel to Manila. Hoping that they will reply soon so that i can call/text my very, very good friend in advance and ask her to adopt me for an hour or 2 and let me use her apartment's shower.

I am so delusional that my rocket will just come by my doorstep. I am not putting much effort in building it. A co-worker told me that it doesn't matter if it is inconvenient or if the vibes is flowing with you, for once an opportunity arrives infront of you, grab it by the throat and face it like an Ancient Filipino Warrior. That's my weakness, i don't wanna take huge risks. Travelling to Manila just to show up for interview and then get turned down is that huge of a risk for me. I am TOO PROUD to admit to myself that with every opportunity the result will always be split: acceptance and rejection. I am delusional enough to see every opportunity result to acceptance. I NEED BRAIN JUICE TO GET ME OUT OF THIS DELUSIONAL STATE.

To whoever who will be reading this, please help me decide. The deadline's on Friday and i don't wanna jeopardize this opportunity again just like the numerous ones i already jeopardized in the past.. Thanks. :)

I'M THINKING OF GETTING A...

I've been thinking... i'm already 24, still single, still laboring over my underpaid~overworked job in a government hospital, and up until now i haven't really proven something for myself. I remember a week ago when a good friend of mine, Cess came home from Manila. I don't know how it happened but the topic on getting inked came up. She asked me if i wanna have one, i was like "are you kidding me? i have always wanted to have one for a very long time na." I told her that i was planning to have one on my wrist, preferably left, or maybe on my forearm. She asked me what will i get if ever, i got stuck for a moment after that, i have been yearning to get a tattoo for ages already and still i haven't yet decided what to get! I just told her the first thing that came to mind, "a quote from a book/lyrics to song/line from a poem i haven't found yet". Then she told me what she want to have and where she's planning to get it, and said that we should get one soon, and soon would be that day or the day after. I said "no way, i need to pass medicals first before i get one." Then the topic drifted off to something remotely related to the last one.

I've been thinking.... tattoos are an expression of a wearer's feelings, a physical representation of his/her inspiration embedded on the skin. It being permanent manifests that once you let that buzzing needle touch your skin, there's no turning back, what was done was done, and there's no way of erasing it... well, you can have outrageously expensive sessions of laser removal, but that only removes the outside, what about the emotions, the impulse that got you there in the first place? That's practically as permanent as the tattoo itself. So I figured if i'm going to have one, a text tattoo that is, i won't be quoting Pablo Neruda or Bob Ong, no matter how beautiful or witty the words are, since these people haven't touched my life yet. I won't be placing lyrics from an epically wonderful song from a random artist since that artist's music did not save me at all. This is very much in contrary to what i told Cess, "......i haven't found yet."

I've been thinking..... if i will be getting one i will be fishing out from one of the thousands of magical insights from the Harry Potter books. Because basically HP have been my life ever since i sneak the hardbound edition of the books from the College library to my Chemistry class when i was in High School, and read it instead of jotting down notes/listening to my teacher. It took me to a lot of places and further enriched my imagination. If i will be getting one i will be embedding a "magical" text in Ancient Egyptian hieroglyph (or maybe the hieroglyph "ankh" which means "immortality") because eversince i was a child, who used to watch Ancient Egypt documentaries in NGC and Discovery, i have always believed that i was an Ancient Egyptian in my past life. If i will be getting one i will have an esoteric symbol, something only bonafide fanboys & girls will recognize. Which gave me the idea of getting the runic symbols of the Deathly Hallows on my wrist or posterior forearm. But not now... like i mentioned to Cess a week ago: "i need to pass medicals first before i'll get one."

THE SABBATICAL (MY 2 WEEKS OF REST)

A lot has happened 2-3 weeks ago which made me decide that it was time for me to take a break for a while and go "find myself". I have been planning to request for a week-long leave months prior to that crazy week I had at work. After "packing" 5 patients in less than 2 weeks and experiencing an emotionally-staining case of verbal abuse from a co-worker hours after his patient arrested, I figured that this career just started to take its toll on me big time. I realized that I have been physically and mentally drained and I deserved a break from all of these brouhaha which unfolded before me in a short period. I passed my letter requesting for a 2-week leave from my duties, citing 2 fictional weddings in Manila I was supposed to be a big part of. And even though I requested on a time when there is a relative shortage in staff, on the day when the schedule for the next week's suppose to be finalized and approved, I fortunately received good news from my bosses. Now I have just a few days left before i resume for work again, and i ask myself: "what have i done for myself in these 2 weeks of relieving myself from my job?" Not much, I presume.

First off, i just revealed that my reasons in my request letter were not real. Only my friends outside of work and my c-workers in my floor knew this. So if in any way my bosses were able to read this (which i am certain they won't :P ) i am fckin screwed. But i like to see it like this: IT'S BEEN DONE, GET OVER IT.

For almost 2 weeks i have been eating a lot. I have been doing a lot of catching up with my high school friends. And i am not spending a lot during those eating and catching up sprees. Christel is currently here on vacation from Italy, and she's been dispensing Euros to make her stay here, though short, worthwhile. Last week we literally spent 4 days eating out, and for the first time ever in my employed life i came home very late. Not during-the-early-hours-of-morning late, just mornight late. :)

Day 1 of my "sabbatical" i told myself that i will be finishing every project kept on hold due to tight work schedules. This included photo editing jobs, recording of tracks for my "dream" EP album (which will be released in this blog eventually..), implementing stage for this awesome hoodie i'm working on, etc etc. But sadly, none of these were finished nor started. SO what have i been doing during those days when i am not out with friends? I did some catching up with sleep. Yes, i slept like a maniac. And i watched True Blood during waking hours... and random episodes from HIMYM Season 6... :P

My last post was all about hammering down the last nail in my crusade to finally fulfill my "SexyBack Manifesto". ......yyyeah..I can't do that..at the moment. But i will next week. There are tons of temptations lurking this week for me to take it seriously. I ran around the tracks the other day, supposedly yesterday also but it started pouring. The weather's not cooperating! (excuses, excuses, you're just too lazy to go fat boi).

I believe i need to cut back on some vices. My run the other day consisted mainly of brisk walking. I feel ashamed of myself. It's only been more than a month since my last run (Milo Marathon). And i survived that one. I ran more than i walked. I really, really need to adapt a clean lifestyle. (Last schtick evuhhh!!!!! This time for realZ.)

SO here i am, counting down the days before i resume for work. Christel will be arriving in the morning from Manila, Marian arrived yesterday and she's on leave from her work too. I am pretty sure that we will be going out this afternoon again. And i am certain that the itinerary will mostly involve eating out. I realized that what i have been doing this past 2 weeks is basically what this sabbatical was meant to do for me: Relieve the stress. And its working. Talking with friends, having a few (or more) laughs, reminiscing the good days of High School with coffee or at most times with tons of food, has been very therapeutic for me. I realized that i don't need to stress myself again with those unfinished projects, it's just like incorporating work in this well-deserved break. ALthough those are just hobbies, but i tend to sometimes be perfectionist about them..only adding up to the stress i was aiming to erase.

Now that i am a few days away from work again, i hope i won't be pooled with stress again in the next few days, or weeks. I don't need another sabbatical for now...

I NEED INSPIRATION

As i have mentioned in my 2011 "resolutions/goals" posted 7 months ago, it is one of my plans to bring sexy back using my "SexyBack Manifesto". The manifesto is still alive, taped on my closet's door, gathering dust. At least it's still there, and i am not planning to remove it until i actually achieved what is written in it. My self-designed program is pretty rigorous after reviewing it with the exception of the cardio part. Back in 2010 i only plan to run for 3-4 times/week. But i'm gonna have to be rough on myself this time since i've already hit my boiling point, as much as possible i plan to run 3 days straight, 1 rest day and run 3 days straight again. So that would be 6 days of running in a week. I hope i will be able to survive this and i wish to reach my target weight by the end of this year. I am starting off again with 79 kilograms (that's 174 lbs), with large belly, man-boobs, a very low immune system, high Triglyceride levels, and an increased BP (130's systolic) maintained by amlodipine 5mg once/day. That was the same weight i had 9 months ago when i 'devised' my "SexyBack Manifesto". And my target weight? 60-65 kilograms... or as long as i can finally see my feet everytime i look down (my belly's blocking my view).

my belly blocking the spectacular view of my feet :/

So this is now for real. I did not plan to terrify you with a shirtless photo of me, so, sorry for that. I am hoping that this time i will be serious about losing weight. It's starting to take its toll on me. It's starting to hurt when watchers refer to me as the "fat nurse"... trust me, i can take "jay bakla nga nurse" more than that since i am very much aware that my movements are less masculine than some of the male nurses in the workplace.

And if ever i will be able to go through this, i will no longer have toothpaste suds on my belly, i will be able to see my feet again when i look down, i will no longer be referred to by my patients' watchers as the "fat nurse", i will be able to fit into Singapore's crazy "fitness criteria"... and here i am again counting my chicks before they hatch.

I can't believe i'm gonna say this again... "IKALIKAGUMA'K!!"

ATAOL NI INAY

* my mum forwarded this to me in my e-mail. i thought this story is both tragic and funny. Whoever authored this, though hyperbolic in some parts, tried to convey reality. This showcases how, amid tragedy struck and lack of budget, OFWs still find ways to provide the needs and wants of their loved-ones at home. ENJOY!

Registered nurse si Bebeng sa L.A. Kasama niya ang kanyang ina na nagpagamot doon. Namatay ang ina nito. Dahil sa kamahalan ng pamasahe pabalik sa Pilipinas, nagtipid si Bebeng. Pinauwi na lang niya ang kabaong ng kanyang ina na mag-isa. Pagdating ng kabaong, napansin ng mga kapamilya niya na nakadikit ang mukha ng ina sa salamin ng ataul. Nagkomento tuloy ang isang anak, "Ay, naku! Tingnan mo 'yan... hindi sila marunong mag-ayos ng bangkay sa Amerika! Nakudrado tuloy ang mukha ng inay." Upang ayusin ang itsura ng bangkay, binuksan ang kabaong. Aba! May sulat na-nakastaple sa dibdib ng ina. Kinuha nila ito at binasa. Ang nilalaman ng liham na mula kay Bebeng: Mahal kong tatay at mga kapatid: Pasensya na kayo at hindi ko nasamahan ang nanay sa pag-uwi riyan sa Pilipinas dahil napakamahal ng pamasahe. "Ang gastos ko pa lang sa kanya ay mahigit $10,000 na. Ayoko nang isipin pa ang eksaktong halaga. Anyway, ipinadala ko kasama ni nanay ang mga sumusunod... Nasa likod ni nanay ang dalawampu't apat na karnenorte at isang dosenang spam. Ang adidas na suot ni nanay ay para kay tatay. Ang limang pares ng de-goma ay nasa loob ng dalawang asul na Jansport na backpack na inuunan ni nanay. Tig-iisa kayo. Ang iba't-ibang klase ng tsokolate at candy ay nasa puwetan ni nanay. Para sa mga bata ito. Bahala na kayong magparte-parte. Sana'y hindi natunaw. Ang pokemon stuffed toy na yapos-yapos ni nanay ay para sa bunso ni ate. Gift Ko sa first birthday ng bata. Ang itim na Esprit bag ay para kay Nene. Ate, nasa loob ng bag ang pictures ni inay, japanese version ng pokemon trading cards at stickers. "Suot ni nanay ang tatlong Ralph Lauren, apat na Gap at dalawang Old Navy t-shirts. Ang isa ay para kay Kuya at tig-iisa ang mga pamangkin ko. Maisusuot ninyo ang mga iyan sa fiesta. Suot din ni inay ang anim na panty hose at tatlong warmer para sa mga dalaga kong pamangkin. Isuot nyo sa party.May isang dosenang NBA caps sa may paanan ni nanay. Para sa inyo, itay, kuya, dikong, Tiyo Romy. Bigyan nyo na rin ng tig-isa 'yung mga pamangkin ko at 'yong isa ay kay Pareng Tulume. Ang tigdadalawang pares ng Nike wristband at knee caps na suot-suot din ni nanay ay para sa mga anak mo, diko, na nagbabasketball. Tigdadalawang ream ng Marlboro lights at Winston red ang nasa pagitan ng mga hita ni nanay. Apat na jar ng Skippy Peanut Butter, dalawang dishwashing liquid, isang Kiwi glass cleaner at tig-aanim na Colgate at Aqua Fresh ang nakasiksik sa kilikili ni nanay. Hati-hati na kayo, huwag mag-aagawan. Isang dosenang Wonder bra (Victoria's Secret ata ang tatak) gustong-gusto ni Tiya Iskang society natin, suot-suot din ni nanay. Alam kong inaasam-asam nyo 'yan, tiya. Anim na lipstick lang ang kasya sa bra. Ang Rolex na bilin-bilin mo tatay, suot-suot ni nanay. Nakatakip sa Nike na wristband. Kunin mo agad, Itay. May isinisik akong zip-loc sa bunganga ni Inay na naglalaman ng $759 dollars. Hindi na ako nakatakbo sa ATM. Puede na siguro sa libing iyon. Yung tong na makokolekta, i-time deposit niyo Kuya para pag namatay si Tatay may pambili na ng ataul. Ang hikaw, singsing at kuwintas (na may nakakabit pang anim na nail cutters) nagustong-gusto mo, ditse, ay suot- suot din ni nanay. Kunin mo na rin agad, ditse. Ibigay mo ang isang nailcutter kay Jay bakla sa kanto. Tanggalin niyo ang bulak sa ilong ng inay, may isiniksik ako 3 diyamante sa bawat butas. Ibangon niyo lang si inay at tiyak na malalaglag na ang mga iyon. Konting alog lang siguro ng ulo. Marami pa sana akong ipaglalalagay kaya lang, baka mag-excess at si nanay pa ang maiwan. Basta parte-parte kayo, tatay, kuya, ate, dikong, ditse. Para sa inyo lahat ito. Bahala na kayo kay nanay. Pamimisahan ko na lang siya rito. Balitaan ninyo na lang ako pagkatapos ng libing. Alam ni ate ang email ko. Paki-double check ang lista kung walang nawala sa mga ipinadala ko. Nagmamahal, Bebeng

YESTERDAY WAS BUT A DREAM (Short Story)

Yesterday she told him that they need to step it up... go on another level. He choked and left her standing by the platform. And without any parting words she was all alone.

Yesterday she dreamt about falling in an endless abyss. The light above her shrinking into a pinhole as the darkness engulfed her. She felt the cold air against her cheek instantly cooling the warm tears that were constantly flowing from her eyes. She was flaccid, just let gravity do its job. "This is my destiny" she thought and as soon as she opened her eyes she was awakened by the sound of her mobile phone ringing.

Yesterday she drank the finest wine she has ever tasted in her miserable existence. She let the bittersweet liquid dance around every taste bud in her mouth until finally releasing it down the length of her throat experiencing the sweetest sensation of warmth incomparable to anything she let slip down her throat in her miserable existence. She was savoring the hints of the wine left in her mouth until she was interrupted by the loud clank of silverware from the seat across her. He accidentally dropped the large slice of steak from his fork.

Yesterday she received a phone call in the middle of the her mid-day slumber. "Pick you up at 8. Let's have dinner" the caller from the other line said. And before she could say "Yes" the caller hung up.

Yesterday she was standing on the platform waiting for the train to arrive, he was beside her, quiet.. breathing deeply. She glanced at him for a second. He did not look back. She slipped her hand around his arm. She expected warmth but she felt nothing. She was reminded of her dream during her mid-day slumber. The feeling of aloneness started to engulf every inch of her being and out of panic she blurted out the words "I THINK WE SHOULD MOVE TOGETHER!". He looked at her with no hint of feeling in his eyes, pulled his arm away from her and walked towards the exit without looking back. And without any parting words she was all alone.

Yesterday she was left in the platform and as the emotions crept up against her thick surface she started to feel aloneness rapidly engulfing her every being as hole starts to appear from where she was standing, growing... large enough to devour her and send her falling down an endless abyss, falling as the light above her slowly shrinks into a pinhole letting the darkness swallow her whole, the cold air brushing against her exposed skin, as tears streamed from her eyes..... and then a sudden flash of blinding light.

Yesterday she woke up from her living room sofa, the final rays of the sun for the day hitting her eyes from the window. Yesterday was but a dream... a dream within a dream.

I WAS INVITED TO TAKE PART IN A CHRISTIAN CEREMONY

Last April I was asked by Eunice to be one of the godparents of his son Carl. Since she is a very good friend of mine, i immediately said yes. It may seem shocking or disloyal to those who know me very well, i may have, at some point, doubted my own decision, but it really did happen. I, a self-pronounced excommunicate of the Roman Catholic church, and a self-proclaimed non-believer, said "yes" to attend a christening or as Eunice's church would put it a "dedication to the Lord Almighty".

So here's the deal on this one. I am a non-believer. I have been one since mid-2010. And i am proud to announce it to the world. Agreeing to be the godparent of Carl may seem like a gesture of disloyalty to my own chosen path. But i do not believe in that. In my defense to those who criticized me (~i know one, but i know there were others), i consider myself a non-discriminating person. Offer me to take part in a ceremony in your church and i will be grateful. I actually consider it to be an honor when i am asked to be like this, or like that in somebody's wedding/christening/funeral etc. because i am being made to believe that these people whom i treat like shit (ok, maybe not, but you get the point) sometimes actually trust me in the bottom of their hearts.... and that they are willing to risk a slot for me in those souvenir photos. Unlike some (most) believers i advocate brotherly/sisterly love outside organized religions.

So i took part in Carl's dedication to the Lord Almighty. I listened to the Pastor and i honestly thought he is very nice. As i listen to his preachings i maintained an open mind. That was the first time i entered a non-Catholic mass/service wherein i actually paid attention. I expected a revelation to occur in me but... nothing. I admire his teachings but if i am going to put those in practice why should i do it for someone else unseen? Why not do it for myself, for the people around me? So i promised myself that i will set a good example for Carl. That i will be a dedicated godparent as long as he sees me. So that he may grow up to be a wise, open-minded person with his own beliefs. We did the pledge/dedication/acceptance thing but i did not dare mouth back the words the Pastor were feeding us. That would be too much to be shoved down my throat. :P