SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT WITH ME...OR WITH THE UNIVERSE?

In less than 2 months, marks my 3rd year as an employed nurse here in this country. I don't know what is wrong with me... why after all these years I am still here, overworked, underpaid, unhappy, and not earning a single cent from my salary. I will be turning 25 this year which means I have already spent (wasted) a quarter of my life in this shithole place. The devastation grows more whenever I see photos of my "much more successful" batchmates living and enjoying life in a land with greener pastures. I know that starting over is tough, but at least they are already there. Call me a victim of colonial mentality but with what our country's heading right now, I really wish Lord Voldemort would Avada Kedavra me right now if life would keep on fcking me in the face with each failed attempt to secure employment overseas. I kept on saying, "2012 is my year!" Then i realized i said that same crap last year ("2011 is my year! Year of the Rabbit."), and where am i now? Suffering in this god-forsakened country with nothing but a few pesos in my pocket, no earnings, no bank account, no good investments, splitting my head from this unbelievable inflation our country's experiencing, while i slave over for an honorarium that is always, always delayed (i thought i would be freed from this curse when i transferred, but the universe tricked me and made it worse). What do i do? Since i have been fed up with building my metaphorical rocket, i decided to tear it down and start from scratch. 2012 is NOT my year. It is somebody else's year. I think i need to spend another year in this crappy place in order for me to realize my full potential. Compensate by saying "i need to earn experience first". And when i have gained enough exp points i will dedicate 2013 to the rebuilding of my rocket..... actually, NO. Because if i fail again i would be in this same situation again ranting, bitching and moaning how, after all these years of being a slave to this fckd-up basketcase of a country, i still messed up the previous years opportunities? Having a kick-ass resume/experience is NOT really all you need in order to succeed, you need luck. Fuckn LUCK. Fck that... how come i'm not getting enough of that? #AKML

TUMAKBO AKO PARA SA PASKO 2011 EDITION (The Road to House #320 Brgy 28)

After arriving from Manila last October, my self-esteem crushed, and itching to make a radical decision to change my life, a friend of mine, who is an avid runner, told me that there will be a Fun Run which will be held here in Laoag City on December. I have already started doing laps on the tracks as a way of conditioning myself for the upcoming Zombie Apocalypse. Her announcement came at a great time. She told me that when the organizers will start distributing forms to Fun Run "parokyanos" like her, she will reserve one for me. I registered, paid the fee, received my singlet & route map 2 days before the race, and partially helped indigents from Western River Side have a "bountiful" holiday season (i still have strong feelings against on this part, i am not a huge fan of dole-outs).

I am not a running virgin anymore. I lost my "running virginity" when i joined the Ilocos leg of the 35th Milo Marathon last July wherein i 'competed' in the 5k run. It was an impulsive move. It was more geared on proving to myself that despite lack of preparation, i will still be able to pass the finish line. Passed it i did, but my time suffered. I ticked in at a disappointing 1 hour 35 minutes. Almost 2 kms into the race i almost hit the Wall. I told myself "you're so fat, boy.. you won't make it!" I ran for a few meters and find myself walking again. I just couldn't do it properly then. Plus my feet were already aching, and my lungs started to fail me. But the sensation of finishing was amazing. It was a relief to finally stop. This was when i decided to shock myself after almost 5 months of non-acceptable exercise.

Takbo Para sa Pasko was my 2nd running experience. This time i was more prepared. It all started after a Singapore agency crushed the very essence of my existence. "Lose weight and we'll consider you, perhaps even hire you." they told me. My weight was even a huge wake-up call. That was when i vowed to immerse myself in rigorous lifestyle modification. I started with quitting sodas, and then i cut down my red meat consumption, i started running again setting up a personal goal every week, i did upper body strength and toning exercises, this is Lifestyle Modification Shangri-La. The running was partly for health reasons, and partly in preparation for an incoming Zombie Apocalypse. Rule # 1: Cardio. So when Takbo Para sa Pasko emerged, it arrived on a perfect time. I started training myself to finish 3k in less than 30 mins, achievable, until i realized who am i fooling? I need to step it up a notch in order for me to fully prepare myself. So i increased the distance, 5k in less than 30 mins. Then i figured, though possible, i am slowly killing myself with a rather ambitious goal, so i made the time frame 60 mins or less. I have had some ups and downs, best days and worse days, encounters with the Wall, stopped right there but mostly climbed it, then race day came, and it was all worth it.

My rule is always like this: "slow and steady, gradually increasing speed" so i won't prematurely deplete myself of oxygen. It always works but i still need more training in order for me to perform continuous running. That is always my problem, even if i have already built up my momentum, my stamina always fails me. Which i think is still okay at this point. I wish to correct it in the long run though. My body surprised me during the run. I was able to continuously run for almost a km and a half, a feat i couldn't do at the tracks (which is 5 rounds without stopping). I think my stride and form have improved since i did not experience the worse DOMS in my life since July's run. To think that i ran more this time than my first time. I was indeed prepared for this. I even made a "smiling friend" in the presence of the girl who overtook me just right after the turning point. She smiled when she passed me, i smiled back. It was not an "insulting" "ha-ha! eat my dirt fat boy!" smile. After i crossed the finish line, and we walked passed each other we smiled again. This sport was more than running and feeling good about yourself, it is also a healthy way to practice sportsmanship and make friends, even "smiling friends". The feeling of having a complete stranger recognize you and acknowledge you with a smile is rewarding. Or maybe she already knows who i am, i just didn't recognize her. Oh i hope she'll forgive me for i am not good with remembering names and faces!

I wish to run again soon. Hopefully i will be able to compete in a more advanced category. But i need to train first. I need to condition myself before deciding to level-up. More cardio for me, i guess. Iv'e been enjoying its benefits so far. Maybe on the next few Fun Runs i will be joining i would be competing at the 10k run. My goal: Half-marathon (21k) at Takbo Para sa Pasko 2012. :D

I need gear upgrade. New shoes, more shorts. :D

RN MEALS MY ASS

In our constant battle with injustice towards us Filipino nurses we are faced again with another obstacle: a DOH Circular Letter stating that DOH retained Hospitals are now prohibited from accepting Nurse Trainees and Volunteer Nurses. Okay, so.. big deal. No more unexperienced nurses to train, no more training fees, no more working without pay. While it may sound like great news to some, it posed a major threat on us. Nurse Trainees as very essential in the workplace: lesser events of understaffing, one gets to practice supervisory/managerial/leadership skills, and admittedly, it's a joy to impart new knowledge to novices who haven't grasped yet practicing nursing in the real world. Another thing is, their training fees is where our bosses generate our salaries. Now their abolishment from the faces of DOH hospitals greatly affected us. There have been proposals on how the hospital will continue to pay for our services. One is to cut down our daily basic salary, another is to cut down our number. Whichever the solution they almost came up with that time would have definitely cost us, and none of these would have benefited us other than the Hospital. Social injustice on our very faces. The nerve of those who are in the position to subject us in that kind of degradation. We are, after all, Professionals like the rest of them, but we are not treated as such. Then the answer to their prayers came. DOH encouraged these hospitals to adopt the ongoing RN HEALS (Registered Nurse for Health Enhancement and Local Service) Program [bit.ly/siAV9H]. Basically what our hospital did was it converted us Contractual Nurses into RN HEALS Trainees. The good thing about being RN HEALS is we have a relatively higher salary compared to when we were still funded by the training fees, we have a monthly P 2,000.00 allowance provided by the institution, and we are funded directly by the DOH which meant, supposedly, no more delayed pay dates. Sounds good but there's a catch: the contract's only good for one year, it is yet unknown to us if we will be renewed after the contracts end and we are required to submit paperwork which includes a journal on what we "learned" during our "training" as RN HEALS and a research paper... a fucking RESEARCH PAPER! And since we are constantly subjected to injustice in our institution, the good parts of being RN HEALS were altered. The P 2,000.00 monthly allowance were converted to Food Allowance (which we branded as RN MEALS) provided to us by the Dietary Department. The idea of eating hospital food is disgusting, but the fact that we will be paying P 90+ per meal is absolutely distasteful. We are being force-fed with food we don't want to eat while being cheated at the same time. Our salary was divided into 22 days, with every minute tardy, an amount is subtracted from our basic, if we absent ourselves with or without a valid excuse, we don't get paid for that day. We wonder where the money not being given to us will go... the removal of Nurse Trainees meant taking away the Pool Nurses as well. The Pool Nurses get their funds from us then Contracted Nurses, they equally divide to the Pool nurses the money they deduct from our salary everytime we absent ourselves or go on leave. Now, there are no longer Pool Nurses in our hospital, so where does the money go? Blatant corruption on our faces. And what are we doing about it? None... due to fear of termination. The Chief is a tyrant. It pains me that we are either too afraid or too indolent to act on this injustice.

By the time i would have posted this, i would have taken and passed the screening exam for a supervisory plantilla position in another hospital, i look forward to being called for the Personnel Screening Board, and hopefully by the end of this year or early next year i will not be experiencing constant degradation in the workplace ever again.

OFACIAL COVER OF PAC MOM IN VOGUE ITALIA

A few days ago i was quite intrigued by Dionisia Pacquiao's (fake?) Preview Magazine cover. The first thing that came to mind was "Fuckin' seriously??!" and immediately after that, "CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!"

Since this was Mommy D's first cover in a fashion magazine (i think... i still have doubts if it's fake or not, but seriously, Preview. SRSLY??!! O_O ), why not twist it a bit and be Franca Sozzani's new cover girl -- or lady.. her Senior Citizen's ID say so.

And now, presenting Dionisia Pacquiao a.k.a Pac Mom / Mommy D on the cover of the December 2011 issue of VOGUE Italia..

THE DAY REALITY FcKD MY LIFE

"Fat Boy" -- i sometimes call myself that whenever i am infront of the mirror. 2010 was an awesome year for me, i actually weighed about 72-75 kilos that time. I felt lighter, healthier, and everybody kept asking "you lost weight?" That was the year when i was assigned in the old Emergency Room. The old ER was harsher then compared to now. Then, you can really experience an understaffed workplace. There were only 3 nurses then each shift. And 1 of those 3 is the shift's Supervisor. When patients come in mobs, we rarely talk to each other leisurely. When we can no longer handle it (Trauma is packed, patients in labor coming in every half hour), the Supervisor pulls out a nurse or 2 from the less "toxic" areas. Now, the new ER is packed with 10 nurses, plus the Supervisor. Everything is different then. We rarely eat our meals when on duty. In the ER i was in "constant cardio". I was culture shocked during my 1st few weeks since i came from a ward where there's not much to do. But in the long run i got used to it. This contributed a lot in my weightloss. I left ER in July 2010, was thrown again back to the ward where i was first assigned, i stayed there for another 3 months (this was the lowest point of my career as a nurse, i could say that i was depressed then). Then i was transferred to the Hemodialysis Unit and stayed there for almost a month until they returned me in the ER until 2010 ends.

2011 came and this is where the weight started to pile up. There are more nurse trainees to supervise thus less (dirty) work for us to do. I started eating a lot and adapted myself to the bum lifestyle. It started out when a pediatrician teased me, saying that i look like i gained some extra kilos. At first i was in disbelief. My lack of exposure to weighing scales also didn't help me in realizing that. So i carried on with my unhealthy habits. There even came a time when i go to McDonald's every day for 2 straight weeks. When it finally dawned in on me, i tried exercising but did not control the portions i'm taking in. It made everything worse. The exercise part also became an on again-off again love affair. I do not have a plan. Then i "developed" the 1st version of my SexyBack Manifesto. A to-do list on shaping-up my health and my life towards the right direction. It failed, none of the items in the list were fulfilled. I was 79 kilos then. Then i revised it hence version 2 was born. It did not click again. It was only implemented during the 1st month. I continued on with my unhealthy habits without realizing that this will jeopardize my future plans.

Last month reality really took a bite off my ass. A huge chunk of meat was taken from my morale. I have always wanted to work in Singapore but my lack of work experience here doesn't qualify me. Agencies usually require at least 3 years work experience for male nurses. So we went to this agency, the same one who sent our former co-workers to Singapore a month before. We filled in some forms and submitted it to the receptionist together with copies of our documents. The she called us one by one for a weigh-in and height measuring! She was calculating our actual BMI. That was not a good week for to have my weight taken since i've been eating a lot in places i've never been to. She called my name and took my height and weight. It felt like eternity when she punched in the figures in her PC. Then she wrote my BMI on the application form. It was an embarassing 28.something! Then we were called in by the agent who screens applicants. There were 3 of us and only one was within the normal BMI as well as the required BMI for employment in SIngapore hospitals. It felt like the agent was dissing the 2 of us who are a bit on the heavier side. This is when i fully decided to make a change and live healthily.

I arrived from Manila 84 kilos. Now i am giving myself 12 weeks to lose at least 10 kilos bringing me back to my 2010 weight. I am currently in Week 4 of my program (SexyBack Manifesto Ver 3). I've been doing laps on the tracks and have tried running on the road. The first week i have completely rid myself of soda and sugared drinks and replaced it with water. I have skipped meals while on duty, and just ate instead at home. I am still having some trouble controlling my portions but i believe i am getting there. The other night at Gerry's Grill i did not finish my cup of rice, i have eaten ulam but i tried to control it. With only a quarter of my food on the plate i already felt full. Now the rationing of our food from the Dietary Department is not helping with my routine during my 1st few weeks. My current weight is playing between 81-83 kilos. Honestly, i am starting to get frustrated. I've been eating less in my opinion, and been slaving over an exercise routine that must work for me. "Ikalikaguma'k" is not applicable now for me, it should be "Ikaryo'm!' Hopefully i won't be calling myself "Fat Boi" when in front of the mirror. I want to experience that, really.

Currently training for a 5k Fun Run for December. The last (and my first) Fun Run i attended was the Laoag leg of the 2011 Milo Marathon last July. I finished 5k in an hour and a half. I'm hoping i will outdo myself this time and finish in less than an hour. IKARYO'M!

I NEED BRAIN JUICE

I NEED BRAIN JUICE TO BRING ME OUT OF THIS DELUSIONAL STATE.

I am about to jeopardize, yet again, another opportunity for me to "realize" my dreams via earning appropriate compensation overseas. Last Friday an agency personally e-mailed me urging me to report to their office for Principal's Personal Interview and Final Review of Documents. The qualifications were as follows:

Qualifications: STAFF NURSES: SALARY OFFER: S$ 2000.00.mo (inclusive housing accommodation) Male & Female, BSN grad. 22 to 34 yrs. old, minimum of 3 yrs. Experience in a 200 or more bed capacity hospital as Staff Nurse after POST-REGISTRATION from Professional Regulation Commission. ASSISTANT NURSES:SALARY OFFER: S$ 1,250 mo (inclusive housing accommodation) Female, BSN grad. 22 to 34 yrs. old, minimum of 1yrs. Experience in a 100 or more bed capacity hospital as Staff Nurse after POST-REGISTRATION from Professional Regulation Commission.

I sent an application in this said agency through their website months back and they only replied to me now. I was shocked, relieved and confused when I saw their e-mail in my inbox. Shocked because i have never thought in a million light years that i would be personally e-mailed by this agency since i haven't yet earned the desired hospital experience (as claimed by Philippine Recruitment Agencies) to work in Singapore. Relieved because well, FINALLY! It's about time they replied to my application. Confused because of the parts i highlighted in the "Qualifications" part of their e-mail. I am puzzled why they bothered e-mailing me, since i am not the type who will falsify his qualifications in his CV just to land an interview, especially since this is mothafreakin' Singapore! The Employers and Work Visa people there are ruthless. So what was the best thing i did in my opinion? E-mail them back. I asked them to clarify their (hopefully not) erroneous inclusion of my name in their roster. Until now they haven't replied yet. But i am hoping that until tomorrow i will be getting a reply from them so that i will be able to decide whether i will be risking P 2,000.00 again to travel to Manila. Hoping that they will reply soon so that i can call/text my very, very good friend in advance and ask her to adopt me for an hour or 2 and let me use her apartment's shower.

I am so delusional that my rocket will just come by my doorstep. I am not putting much effort in building it. A co-worker told me that it doesn't matter if it is inconvenient or if the vibes is flowing with you, for once an opportunity arrives infront of you, grab it by the throat and face it like an Ancient Filipino Warrior. That's my weakness, i don't wanna take huge risks. Travelling to Manila just to show up for interview and then get turned down is that huge of a risk for me. I am TOO PROUD to admit to myself that with every opportunity the result will always be split: acceptance and rejection. I am delusional enough to see every opportunity result to acceptance. I NEED BRAIN JUICE TO GET ME OUT OF THIS DELUSIONAL STATE.

To whoever who will be reading this, please help me decide. The deadline's on Friday and i don't wanna jeopardize this opportunity again just like the numerous ones i already jeopardized in the past.. Thanks. :)

I'M THINKING OF GETTING A...

I've been thinking... i'm already 24, still single, still laboring over my underpaid~overworked job in a government hospital, and up until now i haven't really proven something for myself. I remember a week ago when a good friend of mine, Cess came home from Manila. I don't know how it happened but the topic on getting inked came up. She asked me if i wanna have one, i was like "are you kidding me? i have always wanted to have one for a very long time na." I told her that i was planning to have one on my wrist, preferably left, or maybe on my forearm. She asked me what will i get if ever, i got stuck for a moment after that, i have been yearning to get a tattoo for ages already and still i haven't yet decided what to get! I just told her the first thing that came to mind, "a quote from a book/lyrics to song/line from a poem i haven't found yet". Then she told me what she want to have and where she's planning to get it, and said that we should get one soon, and soon would be that day or the day after. I said "no way, i need to pass medicals first before i get one." Then the topic drifted off to something remotely related to the last one.

I've been thinking.... tattoos are an expression of a wearer's feelings, a physical representation of his/her inspiration embedded on the skin. It being permanent manifests that once you let that buzzing needle touch your skin, there's no turning back, what was done was done, and there's no way of erasing it... well, you can have outrageously expensive sessions of laser removal, but that only removes the outside, what about the emotions, the impulse that got you there in the first place? That's practically as permanent as the tattoo itself. So I figured if i'm going to have one, a text tattoo that is, i won't be quoting Pablo Neruda or Bob Ong, no matter how beautiful or witty the words are, since these people haven't touched my life yet. I won't be placing lyrics from an epically wonderful song from a random artist since that artist's music did not save me at all. This is very much in contrary to what i told Cess, "......i haven't found yet."

I've been thinking..... if i will be getting one i will be fishing out from one of the thousands of magical insights from the Harry Potter books. Because basically HP have been my life ever since i sneak the hardbound edition of the books from the College library to my Chemistry class when i was in High School, and read it instead of jotting down notes/listening to my teacher. It took me to a lot of places and further enriched my imagination. If i will be getting one i will be embedding a "magical" text in Ancient Egyptian hieroglyph (or maybe the hieroglyph "ankh" which means "immortality") because eversince i was a child, who used to watch Ancient Egypt documentaries in NGC and Discovery, i have always believed that i was an Ancient Egyptian in my past life. If i will be getting one i will have an esoteric symbol, something only bonafide fanboys & girls will recognize. Which gave me the idea of getting the runic symbols of the Deathly Hallows on my wrist or posterior forearm. But not now... like i mentioned to Cess a week ago: "i need to pass medicals first before i'll get one."