YESTERDAY WAS BUT A DREAM (Short Story)

Yesterday she told him that they need to step it up... go on another level. He choked and left her standing by the platform. And without any parting words she was all alone.

Yesterday she dreamt about falling in an endless abyss. The light above her shrinking into a pinhole as the darkness engulfed her. She felt the cold air against her cheek instantly cooling the warm tears that were constantly flowing from her eyes. She was flaccid, just let gravity do its job. "This is my destiny" she thought and as soon as she opened her eyes she was awakened by the sound of her mobile phone ringing.

Yesterday she drank the finest wine she has ever tasted in her miserable existence. She let the bittersweet liquid dance around every taste bud in her mouth until finally releasing it down the length of her throat experiencing the sweetest sensation of warmth incomparable to anything she let slip down her throat in her miserable existence. She was savoring the hints of the wine left in her mouth until she was interrupted by the loud clank of silverware from the seat across her. He accidentally dropped the large slice of steak from his fork.

Yesterday she received a phone call in the middle of the her mid-day slumber. "Pick you up at 8. Let's have dinner" the caller from the other line said. And before she could say "Yes" the caller hung up.

Yesterday she was standing on the platform waiting for the train to arrive, he was beside her, quiet.. breathing deeply. She glanced at him for a second. He did not look back. She slipped her hand around his arm. She expected warmth but she felt nothing. She was reminded of her dream during her mid-day slumber. The feeling of aloneness started to engulf every inch of her being and out of panic she blurted out the words "I THINK WE SHOULD MOVE TOGETHER!". He looked at her with no hint of feeling in his eyes, pulled his arm away from her and walked towards the exit without looking back. And without any parting words she was all alone.

Yesterday she was left in the platform and as the emotions crept up against her thick surface she started to feel aloneness rapidly engulfing her every being as hole starts to appear from where she was standing, growing... large enough to devour her and send her falling down an endless abyss, falling as the light above her slowly shrinks into a pinhole letting the darkness swallow her whole, the cold air brushing against her exposed skin, as tears streamed from her eyes..... and then a sudden flash of blinding light.

Yesterday she woke up from her living room sofa, the final rays of the sun for the day hitting her eyes from the window. Yesterday was but a dream... a dream within a dream.

I WAS INVITED TO TAKE PART IN A CHRISTIAN CEREMONY

Last April I was asked by Eunice to be one of the godparents of his son Carl. Since she is a very good friend of mine, i immediately said yes. It may seem shocking or disloyal to those who know me very well, i may have, at some point, doubted my own decision, but it really did happen. I, a self-pronounced excommunicate of the Roman Catholic church, and a self-proclaimed non-believer, said "yes" to attend a christening or as Eunice's church would put it a "dedication to the Lord Almighty".

So here's the deal on this one. I am a non-believer. I have been one since mid-2010. And i am proud to announce it to the world. Agreeing to be the godparent of Carl may seem like a gesture of disloyalty to my own chosen path. But i do not believe in that. In my defense to those who criticized me (~i know one, but i know there were others), i consider myself a non-discriminating person. Offer me to take part in a ceremony in your church and i will be grateful. I actually consider it to be an honor when i am asked to be like this, or like that in somebody's wedding/christening/funeral etc. because i am being made to believe that these people whom i treat like shit (ok, maybe not, but you get the point) sometimes actually trust me in the bottom of their hearts.... and that they are willing to risk a slot for me in those souvenir photos. Unlike some (most) believers i advocate brotherly/sisterly love outside organized religions.

So i took part in Carl's dedication to the Lord Almighty. I listened to the Pastor and i honestly thought he is very nice. As i listen to his preachings i maintained an open mind. That was the first time i entered a non-Catholic mass/service wherein i actually paid attention. I expected a revelation to occur in me but... nothing. I admire his teachings but if i am going to put those in practice why should i do it for someone else unseen? Why not do it for myself, for the people around me? So i promised myself that i will set a good example for Carl. That i will be a dedicated godparent as long as he sees me. So that he may grow up to be a wise, open-minded person with his own beliefs. We did the pledge/dedication/acceptance thing but i did not dare mouth back the words the Pastor were feeding us. That would be too much to be shoved down my throat. :P

AND THIS IS WHERE THE CRUEL WORLD PART BEGINS

This is "Cruel World", a song written by Magi Martin and music by me. It started with a joke about me making music for an EP album and i told Magi, "you love to write right? give me a copy of any poem you have and ill try to write some music on it." So i read the poem she gave me and it sounded a bit dark--ish. The title was mine-- since it was untitled when she gave me the copy. She told me that it was written during those gloomy, "un-thankful" days in her household. So yeah, give it a try, and if you liked it, don't hesitate to comment. Violent reactions are appreciated too. :P
Vocals... i mean caterwauls provided by moi, recorded in my bedroom using Audacity, mixed using Audition etc. etc. etc. Spare me the technical stuff and just listen owkei? Please.. hehehe

PASABOG --- TRANSLATION: BOMBS

'PASABOG'
It has been revelations after revelations unfolding before me eversince this year started. Some shook the fuck out of me, while some just gave me a reason to drink lots of fluids in order for the 'pasabog-hardened-crap' to pass through easier. But most of these pasabogs involve something which could literally make the recipient of the pasabog explode if i let my imagination manifest in this unnatural world. I'm talking about pregnancy.
The BIG 'P'.
In less than a month i've already received 4 Big P's. The most recent one i just heard this afternoon. The 1st 3 were good friends of mine, the 4th was something else...i dare not give any details from this point since it was 3rd hand information when it got to me. Let's just say that the mere mention of this 4th Big P in this post is already a violation of 'trust' --- relation to famous condom brand not intended.

So what about this Big P thing?

Well that's quite simple, it puts me, and others outside the Big P circle, in this awkward situation wherein we ask ourselves:
"What have i been doing with my life?"
What have i been doing with my life anyway? I constantly keep talking about waiting for this metaphorical rocket to come, and in the past i force myself to deny the fact that i am not doing something worthwhile to prepare for its arrival. But now i am proud to say that i have already built a sturdy frame made not from wood and cardboard but with the finest NASA approved steel. And i REALLY am waiting for this rocket to come...SOON.
I remember asking Big P #2, a few days before i started building my rocket's frame, what her plans are, and she told me she's gonna keep the baby and let her future husband merge his future plans with hers. I thought they are both lucky to have each other and i wish them the bestest. And then i remember her asking me the day she revealed her pasabog what my pasabog is. I had to admit that i was baffled for like a few seconds. I did'nt know how to answer her. So i just made a lame ass joke about B.O. or something being my pasabog and until now that answer still haunts me it actually still gives me the creeps! (LLLAAAAAME!!!) That few seconds was my 'what have i been doing with my life?' moment and i guess i panicked. But i believe can answer her question..maybe not now, maybe soon, and i don't mean to count my chicks before they hatch but i think i might have a shot at this not-so-new venture i have recently embarked on. I hope that by the 2nd quarter i will already have a pasabog for 2011. My pasabog will be the roar of my rocketships hydrogen-powered double engine.

I am gonna start the year of the rabbit right. I already have a good headstart i believe. I stand to what Valto told me that this is OUR (1987-born nerds like me) year. THIS IS OUR YEAR and not even some sorry-arsed delusional prophet-deity will take it from us. AMEN!


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AND I AM TELLING YOU... I NEED TO SET-UP A TRIAGE FOR INCOMING CALLS

"Prioritize" is my word for the week and perhaps for the rest of the year. Being a self-diagnosed ADHD i think i ought to make it as a mantra, and what better way to start this year right than to set-up some ground rules... starting with CALLS.

I usually do not receive phone calls from a lot of people, i rarely text or call unless it's urgent or necessary, and i especially HATE it when i pull myself out from what i am currently doing just to answer my phone. Being a self-diagnosed ADHD, the slightest distraction from my main focus might, but most probably will, direct me to another task. I am pleased to inform you that my job, work, occupation and profession does not require me to sit all day, infront of the computer monitor, with coffee and cigarette breaks, constantly chatting leisurely with my co-workers. My job, work, occupation and profession is all about dynamism. DYNAMIC! DYNAMIC! DYNAMIC! (with accompanying clapping or hand waving gesture whichever you prefer). And we rarely engage in leisurely talks with our co-workers, and almost every break time is always a working break. Because unlike most jobs, it's life we are dealing with for crying out loud!!! And I may sound somewhat hyperbolic in this part of this post so i think i'm gonna have to shut up now and proceed with my point. :)

I then officially declare a Triage for my incoming calls. Here is a scenario:

I am at work, doing my usual chores, "saving lives" (yeah, whatever)

*ring* *ring* (or in my case, *INTERGALACTIC, PLANETARY, INTERGALACTIC, IIIINTERGALACTIC*)

Please note that whatever it is you are about to say, that it requires you to hear my voice, i shall consider it urgent or an emergency.

I answer my phone, causing me to dismiss my attention to a current task.

"Hellow?"

"Adda jay orders mon. Umay mon to alan."

"Owkei. Isu lang?"

"Wen. Bye."

And then you hang-up.

In my brain another day just passed. The first thing i see after that conversation might, but most likely will, automatically drive me to it diverting me from my previous, unfinished task. And in my mind i would be cursing you all day for being a distraction... thus decreasing my merits from your god.

Rule # 1:

If it is still not that bothersome to send it through text, SMS, MMS, etc feel free to do that before calling me. Because i don't want to be distracted. Your call might kill a patient. And whenever i hear my ringtone it always delivers a "kick" in my groin opting me to answer it first and abandon what i am doing. And in my line of work that is dangerous you know...

Rule # 2:

I will only answer to text messages which would require a decent reply, like if you are asking a question. If your text is a statement, consider my silence to be : "yes, i got that." No need to send it to me 20 times, drop call me 10x, or worse, actually call me.

Rule # 3:

My replies to your questions through text will be considered complete and i will only answer unanswered questions. I will try my best to answer any possible follow-up questions, and every information shall be absolutely final. 'Pag nangungulit ka lang ("xur nb yn?" etc.) hindi na kita rereply'an bobey. For me "LOAD is GOLD", and yeah i know it rhymes, it was unintentionalll...

Rule # 4:

If you decide to call me you better have a good reason why you are calling me. Or else i would only be cursing your soul for the rest of my day.

Rule # 5:

If necessary i have the right to silence my phone while you are calling. That would teach you how to text first.

Rule # 6:

Please abide by these rules in order for me to maintain my concentration with whatever i am doing because time is gold, right timing is proper gold-digging. ok?

Summary:

GREEN -- must be texted always, no matter what. DO NOT call, just text. It usually includestatements such as "D2 n me" "D2 me fountain,wil w8 4u" "CR lng me" "Mern na ordrs u" "Pnta na u,pnta na me" etc.

YELLOW -- still, just text me, if there's no reply from me, it might mean i am busy, but i will make it a point to answer back ASAP if necessary. This usually includes inquiries which do not require my immediate attention (my own standards), but i can always weigh the situation if it is urgent on your part or not.

RED -- call without delay. If you decide to text me instead, i'll be the one to call you at the soonest possible time. I prefer calls for these situations since i seldom check my phone for messages.

BLACK -- texts i will just delete. nagsa-sayang ka lang ng load, network signal, oras etc. This usually include smileys out of nowhere, "Hi", "Hw r u?" etc. Mga sitwasyon na sasayang lang sa neurons ko. I need these neurons to function properly, especially now that my brain is being slowly depleted of oxygen because my respiratory tract is clogged with phlegm.

** This is a work of fiction, conceptualized as a form of leisure for the readers. This must not be taken seriously... but seriously, be ethical enough to text first before you call if your message is not important. It is lighter to text, load-wise, neurons-wise, network space-wise, and i could go on with this -wise, -wise bullcrap all day.. So please, just text. If i deem it necessary to reply back ASAP, i will, but if not, please do not waste my time. Because a minute talking to you about nonsense (in my own standards) is a minute of doing something useful for me to realize that i deserve my salary. Thank you.

Nyu Nyirs Revolutions

These are my "Nyu Nyirs Resolutions" -- the one's i will actually (try) to fulfill.

"I-KALIKAGUMA'K"

Every year i come up (and sometimes not come up) with a list of goals i need to attain during the incoming year. For 2010 i was too lazy and too mesmerized by my post-registration status (Employed) to even care about making one. But even without a list, i was able to accomplish some great and not-so-proud things for 2010 (pass the IELTS, be resourceful in the workplace, chickening out everytime i am faced with a 'dementor', start and never finish a job, etc. etc.) yyyet mostly on the latter part. :/

I am now faced with the challenge to set my life straight and maybe i will be printing this out in bold letters and stick it on my wall hoping that this will motivate me. But whatever the Universe will serve on my table, i shall eat it. If none of these goals will be fulfilled in 2011, i shall blame myself for not putting enough effort. . . i shall whip myself, join the procession to Calvary during Holy Week 2012, force myself to weep bloody tears. . .

So here's my list... Enjoy.

ONE -- LIVE A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE

I have already jumpstarted this phase as early as the 2nd half of 2010 through my on and off love affair with the tracks. During my stint at the ER early 2010 i was in constant cardio and when i was rotated back to the ward, my entire system failed and i am back again to gaining weight. As of this writing i am still a Fast Food Junkie, an occasional binge-eater (no purging; i take pride on my refusal to recognize the constant partner of 'bingeing'), and a seasonal drinker/smoker ('seasonal" yes). I have this list i posted on my wall which i shall call my "SexyBack Manifesto" which is aimed on, well, getting fit! On 2011... wait, since this phase has already commenced, it would be appropriate to state that starting tomorrow i will be going to the tracks 5-6x a week for 30 minute walks/runs. The only exceptions for my failure to stick in this regimen would be sickness, tiredness, and contrasting work schedules. I will be gradually rehabilitating myself from this addiction to Fast Food, in hopes of bringing down my Tg level. The main goal for this is controlling my blood pressure. I shall also utilize my EMS privileges through a total work-up. :)

TWO -- SORT EVERYTHING OUT

My life is relatively chaotic... my room, laundry, files, computer, everything! I am just so thankful that i leave this part of me inside the house. For 2011 i will be adopting a softcore OCD lifestyle. I will (try to) sort out the littlest components of my physical world, from my CV to the files in my computer to the items in my room, which is really not that much. I will learn how to dispose of unwanted items, (and replace them with newer, better things... chos! hehe) and organize everything to the tiniest detail. . . and i shall not bitch and moan about how difficult and time consuming and troublesome it is to do this. I will periodically evaluate and re-evaluate myself if i progressed or regressed.

THREE -- LEARN HOW TO BE COMMITTED

Aside from heaving a relatively chaotic life, mine's also going down in a spiral motion back to Earth. . . but at a pretty slow to medium pace. How did i come up with that assessment? Simple, the fact that almost everyone in my batch have already achieved something and i am sadly one of those who haven't YET. I kept on saying that i am still waiting for my rocket to come. But it suddenly struck me when someone told me to "build my rocket" and "not just wait for it". I am not saying that i am not doing anything, in fact i have done some things already in order for that rocket to arrive. Yet i realized that as embarrassing as it may sound, i do not put much effort in building my rocket. Let us just say that when it would usually require welding to build a sturdy rocket, i only use duct tape or kanin paste build mine. This also translates to the smallest things in my life such as a photoediting project. I tend to get distracted by a lot of things most of the time while doing something, and i usually have a lot of excuses for not finishing them on time. So coming 2011, i shall start from my CV working my way up to a Work Visa to an overseas destination. And perhaps by the 2nd or 3rd quarter of the incoming year i will be able to share whatever i earn to my family, which i still fail and sometimes refuse to do even though i already have a paying job. :P

FOUR -- START SAVING FOR THE FUTURE

I realized that with my relatively sufficient salary of P 7,700.00 per month as a Contracted Nurse, about 100% of it is being spent... and that continued even after i paid my utangs from my mum (payment for items i bought using her credit card account hehehe). I believe 2011 is the time for me to redeem my financial self and be a nurse slash junior accountant. I have plans for 2011, one of them is to have advanced trainings in order for me to heighten up my credentials. (ACLS Training would give you an edge... i think...) I can not afford to ask for financial assistance again from my mum. I want to try gradually detaching myself from the cord that once attached us... at least try to be independent even in financial matters at the least. I shall go back to basics on this one. Back when i was still in the 4th grade. When cassette tapes are still the bomb. I would save up a portion of my lunch money then for cassette tapes because i would not want my mum to sustain my own vices, i mean "wants". Usually by the end of the month, i would have usually earned enough money to buy 2 cassette tapes with some spare to spend 1-2 hours in a Playstation Shop (kinda like RPG Cafe's for DOTA, WOW, Flyff etc. now but back then we played PS games). Now, instead of earning for cassette tapes, i shall be earning for training fees, transportation fees, accommodation fees (since i will be planning to have those trainings in Manila) etc. Props to a good friend of mine for giving me this idea.

FIVE -- BE NICE YET CIVIL

I think one of my main weaknesses is that i am too nice... I THINK. :/ Am i nice? I developed a habit of always saying "sorry" or "thank you" when it comes to minor or unimportant matters, and i think it is moderately dragging my self-esteem down. I believe what i needed for 2011 is an ego-boost. I think i need to tone down on the nice attitude just a little bit. I assessed that i am already losing some of it ever since i started working, yet i believe my assessment may have been inaccurate... I shall be shedding off once and for all every nice bone or muscle in my body and be a cold-blooded, position-hungry, mothafocka... or i can just at least be civil to every person. (although i don't know how to manifest such).

I am already sleepy, it's almost 5 am, so i really need to publish this one now.

I end this post with the word

"I-KALIKAGUMA'K"

On Baggages: PORN STARS HAVE THE BIGGEST EMOTIONAL BAGGAGES

'mum still does laundry'
'only dates guys in a rock band'
'left at the altar'
'runaway bride/groom'
'possesive bf/gf'
'still in love with ex'
'has daddy/mommy issues'

As i was watching the HIMYM season 5 episode 'The Wedding Bride', I started thinking about what my 'baggage' is. The reality is, no matter how much we deny, suppress, or even regress it, we all have baggages. Baggages come in all shapes and sizes. It may be an emotional baggage, or superficial such as a physical insecurity, or it could be something serious-mental/psychological. So i pose this question in this not so lengthy post: What's your baggage? I know that i have one, i dont know if it's common, but i think i may have commitment issues.. I dont want to go into details how i figured this one out, but i assure you, its something i have been ignoring all these years. Plus, im still on the 'blind' lookout for someone who can ride my flow. So now, feel free to comment on this and spread ze werd....

Fun fact: this the 2nd blog i published using my phone. The 1st one's in my facebook account. (: