TUMAKBO AKO PARA SA PASKO 2011 EDITION (The Road to House #320 Brgy 28)

After arriving from Manila last October, my self-esteem crushed, and itching to make a radical decision to change my life, a friend of mine, who is an avid runner, told me that there will be a Fun Run which will be held here in Laoag City on December. I have already started doing laps on the tracks as a way of conditioning myself for the upcoming Zombie Apocalypse. Her announcement came at a great time. She told me that when the organizers will start distributing forms to Fun Run "parokyanos" like her, she will reserve one for me. I registered, paid the fee, received my singlet & route map 2 days before the race, and partially helped indigents from Western River Side have a "bountiful" holiday season (i still have strong feelings against on this part, i am not a huge fan of dole-outs).

I am not a running virgin anymore. I lost my "running virginity" when i joined the Ilocos leg of the 35th Milo Marathon last July wherein i 'competed' in the 5k run. It was an impulsive move. It was more geared on proving to myself that despite lack of preparation, i will still be able to pass the finish line. Passed it i did, but my time suffered. I ticked in at a disappointing 1 hour 35 minutes. Almost 2 kms into the race i almost hit the Wall. I told myself "you're so fat, boy.. you won't make it!" I ran for a few meters and find myself walking again. I just couldn't do it properly then. Plus my feet were already aching, and my lungs started to fail me. But the sensation of finishing was amazing. It was a relief to finally stop. This was when i decided to shock myself after almost 5 months of non-acceptable exercise.

Takbo Para sa Pasko was my 2nd running experience. This time i was more prepared. It all started after a Singapore agency crushed the very essence of my existence. "Lose weight and we'll consider you, perhaps even hire you." they told me. My weight was even a huge wake-up call. That was when i vowed to immerse myself in rigorous lifestyle modification. I started with quitting sodas, and then i cut down my red meat consumption, i started running again setting up a personal goal every week, i did upper body strength and toning exercises, this is Lifestyle Modification Shangri-La. The running was partly for health reasons, and partly in preparation for an incoming Zombie Apocalypse. Rule # 1: Cardio. So when Takbo Para sa Pasko emerged, it arrived on a perfect time. I started training myself to finish 3k in less than 30 mins, achievable, until i realized who am i fooling? I need to step it up a notch in order for me to fully prepare myself. So i increased the distance, 5k in less than 30 mins. Then i figured, though possible, i am slowly killing myself with a rather ambitious goal, so i made the time frame 60 mins or less. I have had some ups and downs, best days and worse days, encounters with the Wall, stopped right there but mostly climbed it, then race day came, and it was all worth it.

My rule is always like this: "slow and steady, gradually increasing speed" so i won't prematurely deplete myself of oxygen. It always works but i still need more training in order for me to perform continuous running. That is always my problem, even if i have already built up my momentum, my stamina always fails me. Which i think is still okay at this point. I wish to correct it in the long run though. My body surprised me during the run. I was able to continuously run for almost a km and a half, a feat i couldn't do at the tracks (which is 5 rounds without stopping). I think my stride and form have improved since i did not experience the worse DOMS in my life since July's run. To think that i ran more this time than my first time. I was indeed prepared for this. I even made a "smiling friend" in the presence of the girl who overtook me just right after the turning point. She smiled when she passed me, i smiled back. It was not an "insulting" "ha-ha! eat my dirt fat boy!" smile. After i crossed the finish line, and we walked passed each other we smiled again. This sport was more than running and feeling good about yourself, it is also a healthy way to practice sportsmanship and make friends, even "smiling friends". The feeling of having a complete stranger recognize you and acknowledge you with a smile is rewarding. Or maybe she already knows who i am, i just didn't recognize her. Oh i hope she'll forgive me for i am not good with remembering names and faces!

I wish to run again soon. Hopefully i will be able to compete in a more advanced category. But i need to train first. I need to condition myself before deciding to level-up. More cardio for me, i guess. Iv'e been enjoying its benefits so far. Maybe on the next few Fun Runs i will be joining i would be competing at the 10k run. My goal: Half-marathon (21k) at Takbo Para sa Pasko 2012. :D

I need gear upgrade. New shoes, more shorts. :D

RN MEALS MY ASS

In our constant battle with injustice towards us Filipino nurses we are faced again with another obstacle: a DOH Circular Letter stating that DOH retained Hospitals are now prohibited from accepting Nurse Trainees and Volunteer Nurses. Okay, so.. big deal. No more unexperienced nurses to train, no more training fees, no more working without pay. While it may sound like great news to some, it posed a major threat on us. Nurse Trainees as very essential in the workplace: lesser events of understaffing, one gets to practice supervisory/managerial/leadership skills, and admittedly, it's a joy to impart new knowledge to novices who haven't grasped yet practicing nursing in the real world. Another thing is, their training fees is where our bosses generate our salaries. Now their abolishment from the faces of DOH hospitals greatly affected us. There have been proposals on how the hospital will continue to pay for our services. One is to cut down our daily basic salary, another is to cut down our number. Whichever the solution they almost came up with that time would have definitely cost us, and none of these would have benefited us other than the Hospital. Social injustice on our very faces. The nerve of those who are in the position to subject us in that kind of degradation. We are, after all, Professionals like the rest of them, but we are not treated as such. Then the answer to their prayers came. DOH encouraged these hospitals to adopt the ongoing RN HEALS (Registered Nurse for Health Enhancement and Local Service) Program [bit.ly/siAV9H]. Basically what our hospital did was it converted us Contractual Nurses into RN HEALS Trainees. The good thing about being RN HEALS is we have a relatively higher salary compared to when we were still funded by the training fees, we have a monthly P 2,000.00 allowance provided by the institution, and we are funded directly by the DOH which meant, supposedly, no more delayed pay dates. Sounds good but there's a catch: the contract's only good for one year, it is yet unknown to us if we will be renewed after the contracts end and we are required to submit paperwork which includes a journal on what we "learned" during our "training" as RN HEALS and a research paper... a fucking RESEARCH PAPER! And since we are constantly subjected to injustice in our institution, the good parts of being RN HEALS were altered. The P 2,000.00 monthly allowance were converted to Food Allowance (which we branded as RN MEALS) provided to us by the Dietary Department. The idea of eating hospital food is disgusting, but the fact that we will be paying P 90+ per meal is absolutely distasteful. We are being force-fed with food we don't want to eat while being cheated at the same time. Our salary was divided into 22 days, with every minute tardy, an amount is subtracted from our basic, if we absent ourselves with or without a valid excuse, we don't get paid for that day. We wonder where the money not being given to us will go... the removal of Nurse Trainees meant taking away the Pool Nurses as well. The Pool Nurses get their funds from us then Contracted Nurses, they equally divide to the Pool nurses the money they deduct from our salary everytime we absent ourselves or go on leave. Now, there are no longer Pool Nurses in our hospital, so where does the money go? Blatant corruption on our faces. And what are we doing about it? None... due to fear of termination. The Chief is a tyrant. It pains me that we are either too afraid or too indolent to act on this injustice.

By the time i would have posted this, i would have taken and passed the screening exam for a supervisory plantilla position in another hospital, i look forward to being called for the Personnel Screening Board, and hopefully by the end of this year or early next year i will not be experiencing constant degradation in the workplace ever again.

OFACIAL COVER OF PAC MOM IN VOGUE ITALIA

A few days ago i was quite intrigued by Dionisia Pacquiao's (fake?) Preview Magazine cover. The first thing that came to mind was "Fuckin' seriously??!" and immediately after that, "CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!"

Since this was Mommy D's first cover in a fashion magazine (i think... i still have doubts if it's fake or not, but seriously, Preview. SRSLY??!! O_O ), why not twist it a bit and be Franca Sozzani's new cover girl -- or lady.. her Senior Citizen's ID say so.

And now, presenting Dionisia Pacquiao a.k.a Pac Mom / Mommy D on the cover of the December 2011 issue of VOGUE Italia..

THE DAY REALITY FcKD MY LIFE

"Fat Boy" -- i sometimes call myself that whenever i am infront of the mirror. 2010 was an awesome year for me, i actually weighed about 72-75 kilos that time. I felt lighter, healthier, and everybody kept asking "you lost weight?" That was the year when i was assigned in the old Emergency Room. The old ER was harsher then compared to now. Then, you can really experience an understaffed workplace. There were only 3 nurses then each shift. And 1 of those 3 is the shift's Supervisor. When patients come in mobs, we rarely talk to each other leisurely. When we can no longer handle it (Trauma is packed, patients in labor coming in every half hour), the Supervisor pulls out a nurse or 2 from the less "toxic" areas. Now, the new ER is packed with 10 nurses, plus the Supervisor. Everything is different then. We rarely eat our meals when on duty. In the ER i was in "constant cardio". I was culture shocked during my 1st few weeks since i came from a ward where there's not much to do. But in the long run i got used to it. This contributed a lot in my weightloss. I left ER in July 2010, was thrown again back to the ward where i was first assigned, i stayed there for another 3 months (this was the lowest point of my career as a nurse, i could say that i was depressed then). Then i was transferred to the Hemodialysis Unit and stayed there for almost a month until they returned me in the ER until 2010 ends.

2011 came and this is where the weight started to pile up. There are more nurse trainees to supervise thus less (dirty) work for us to do. I started eating a lot and adapted myself to the bum lifestyle. It started out when a pediatrician teased me, saying that i look like i gained some extra kilos. At first i was in disbelief. My lack of exposure to weighing scales also didn't help me in realizing that. So i carried on with my unhealthy habits. There even came a time when i go to McDonald's every day for 2 straight weeks. When it finally dawned in on me, i tried exercising but did not control the portions i'm taking in. It made everything worse. The exercise part also became an on again-off again love affair. I do not have a plan. Then i "developed" the 1st version of my SexyBack Manifesto. A to-do list on shaping-up my health and my life towards the right direction. It failed, none of the items in the list were fulfilled. I was 79 kilos then. Then i revised it hence version 2 was born. It did not click again. It was only implemented during the 1st month. I continued on with my unhealthy habits without realizing that this will jeopardize my future plans.

Last month reality really took a bite off my ass. A huge chunk of meat was taken from my morale. I have always wanted to work in Singapore but my lack of work experience here doesn't qualify me. Agencies usually require at least 3 years work experience for male nurses. So we went to this agency, the same one who sent our former co-workers to Singapore a month before. We filled in some forms and submitted it to the receptionist together with copies of our documents. The she called us one by one for a weigh-in and height measuring! She was calculating our actual BMI. That was not a good week for to have my weight taken since i've been eating a lot in places i've never been to. She called my name and took my height and weight. It felt like eternity when she punched in the figures in her PC. Then she wrote my BMI on the application form. It was an embarassing 28.something! Then we were called in by the agent who screens applicants. There were 3 of us and only one was within the normal BMI as well as the required BMI for employment in SIngapore hospitals. It felt like the agent was dissing the 2 of us who are a bit on the heavier side. This is when i fully decided to make a change and live healthily.

I arrived from Manila 84 kilos. Now i am giving myself 12 weeks to lose at least 10 kilos bringing me back to my 2010 weight. I am currently in Week 4 of my program (SexyBack Manifesto Ver 3). I've been doing laps on the tracks and have tried running on the road. The first week i have completely rid myself of soda and sugared drinks and replaced it with water. I have skipped meals while on duty, and just ate instead at home. I am still having some trouble controlling my portions but i believe i am getting there. The other night at Gerry's Grill i did not finish my cup of rice, i have eaten ulam but i tried to control it. With only a quarter of my food on the plate i already felt full. Now the rationing of our food from the Dietary Department is not helping with my routine during my 1st few weeks. My current weight is playing between 81-83 kilos. Honestly, i am starting to get frustrated. I've been eating less in my opinion, and been slaving over an exercise routine that must work for me. "Ikalikaguma'k" is not applicable now for me, it should be "Ikaryo'm!' Hopefully i won't be calling myself "Fat Boi" when in front of the mirror. I want to experience that, really.

Currently training for a 5k Fun Run for December. The last (and my first) Fun Run i attended was the Laoag leg of the 2011 Milo Marathon last July. I finished 5k in an hour and a half. I'm hoping i will outdo myself this time and finish in less than an hour. IKARYO'M!

I NEED BRAIN JUICE

I NEED BRAIN JUICE TO BRING ME OUT OF THIS DELUSIONAL STATE.

I am about to jeopardize, yet again, another opportunity for me to "realize" my dreams via earning appropriate compensation overseas. Last Friday an agency personally e-mailed me urging me to report to their office for Principal's Personal Interview and Final Review of Documents. The qualifications were as follows:

Qualifications: STAFF NURSES: SALARY OFFER: S$ 2000.00.mo (inclusive housing accommodation) Male & Female, BSN grad. 22 to 34 yrs. old, minimum of 3 yrs. Experience in a 200 or more bed capacity hospital as Staff Nurse after POST-REGISTRATION from Professional Regulation Commission. ASSISTANT NURSES:SALARY OFFER: S$ 1,250 mo (inclusive housing accommodation) Female, BSN grad. 22 to 34 yrs. old, minimum of 1yrs. Experience in a 100 or more bed capacity hospital as Staff Nurse after POST-REGISTRATION from Professional Regulation Commission.

I sent an application in this said agency through their website months back and they only replied to me now. I was shocked, relieved and confused when I saw their e-mail in my inbox. Shocked because i have never thought in a million light years that i would be personally e-mailed by this agency since i haven't yet earned the desired hospital experience (as claimed by Philippine Recruitment Agencies) to work in Singapore. Relieved because well, FINALLY! It's about time they replied to my application. Confused because of the parts i highlighted in the "Qualifications" part of their e-mail. I am puzzled why they bothered e-mailing me, since i am not the type who will falsify his qualifications in his CV just to land an interview, especially since this is mothafreakin' Singapore! The Employers and Work Visa people there are ruthless. So what was the best thing i did in my opinion? E-mail them back. I asked them to clarify their (hopefully not) erroneous inclusion of my name in their roster. Until now they haven't replied yet. But i am hoping that until tomorrow i will be getting a reply from them so that i will be able to decide whether i will be risking P 2,000.00 again to travel to Manila. Hoping that they will reply soon so that i can call/text my very, very good friend in advance and ask her to adopt me for an hour or 2 and let me use her apartment's shower.

I am so delusional that my rocket will just come by my doorstep. I am not putting much effort in building it. A co-worker told me that it doesn't matter if it is inconvenient or if the vibes is flowing with you, for once an opportunity arrives infront of you, grab it by the throat and face it like an Ancient Filipino Warrior. That's my weakness, i don't wanna take huge risks. Travelling to Manila just to show up for interview and then get turned down is that huge of a risk for me. I am TOO PROUD to admit to myself that with every opportunity the result will always be split: acceptance and rejection. I am delusional enough to see every opportunity result to acceptance. I NEED BRAIN JUICE TO GET ME OUT OF THIS DELUSIONAL STATE.

To whoever who will be reading this, please help me decide. The deadline's on Friday and i don't wanna jeopardize this opportunity again just like the numerous ones i already jeopardized in the past.. Thanks. :)

I'M THINKING OF GETTING A...

I've been thinking... i'm already 24, still single, still laboring over my underpaid~overworked job in a government hospital, and up until now i haven't really proven something for myself. I remember a week ago when a good friend of mine, Cess came home from Manila. I don't know how it happened but the topic on getting inked came up. She asked me if i wanna have one, i was like "are you kidding me? i have always wanted to have one for a very long time na." I told her that i was planning to have one on my wrist, preferably left, or maybe on my forearm. She asked me what will i get if ever, i got stuck for a moment after that, i have been yearning to get a tattoo for ages already and still i haven't yet decided what to get! I just told her the first thing that came to mind, "a quote from a book/lyrics to song/line from a poem i haven't found yet". Then she told me what she want to have and where she's planning to get it, and said that we should get one soon, and soon would be that day or the day after. I said "no way, i need to pass medicals first before i get one." Then the topic drifted off to something remotely related to the last one.

I've been thinking.... tattoos are an expression of a wearer's feelings, a physical representation of his/her inspiration embedded on the skin. It being permanent manifests that once you let that buzzing needle touch your skin, there's no turning back, what was done was done, and there's no way of erasing it... well, you can have outrageously expensive sessions of laser removal, but that only removes the outside, what about the emotions, the impulse that got you there in the first place? That's practically as permanent as the tattoo itself. So I figured if i'm going to have one, a text tattoo that is, i won't be quoting Pablo Neruda or Bob Ong, no matter how beautiful or witty the words are, since these people haven't touched my life yet. I won't be placing lyrics from an epically wonderful song from a random artist since that artist's music did not save me at all. This is very much in contrary to what i told Cess, "......i haven't found yet."

I've been thinking..... if i will be getting one i will be fishing out from one of the thousands of magical insights from the Harry Potter books. Because basically HP have been my life ever since i sneak the hardbound edition of the books from the College library to my Chemistry class when i was in High School, and read it instead of jotting down notes/listening to my teacher. It took me to a lot of places and further enriched my imagination. If i will be getting one i will be embedding a "magical" text in Ancient Egyptian hieroglyph (or maybe the hieroglyph "ankh" which means "immortality") because eversince i was a child, who used to watch Ancient Egypt documentaries in NGC and Discovery, i have always believed that i was an Ancient Egyptian in my past life. If i will be getting one i will have an esoteric symbol, something only bonafide fanboys & girls will recognize. Which gave me the idea of getting the runic symbols of the Deathly Hallows on my wrist or posterior forearm. But not now... like i mentioned to Cess a week ago: "i need to pass medicals first before i'll get one."

THE SABBATICAL (MY 2 WEEKS OF REST)

A lot has happened 2-3 weeks ago which made me decide that it was time for me to take a break for a while and go "find myself". I have been planning to request for a week-long leave months prior to that crazy week I had at work. After "packing" 5 patients in less than 2 weeks and experiencing an emotionally-staining case of verbal abuse from a co-worker hours after his patient arrested, I figured that this career just started to take its toll on me big time. I realized that I have been physically and mentally drained and I deserved a break from all of these brouhaha which unfolded before me in a short period. I passed my letter requesting for a 2-week leave from my duties, citing 2 fictional weddings in Manila I was supposed to be a big part of. And even though I requested on a time when there is a relative shortage in staff, on the day when the schedule for the next week's suppose to be finalized and approved, I fortunately received good news from my bosses. Now I have just a few days left before i resume for work again, and i ask myself: "what have i done for myself in these 2 weeks of relieving myself from my job?" Not much, I presume.

First off, i just revealed that my reasons in my request letter were not real. Only my friends outside of work and my c-workers in my floor knew this. So if in any way my bosses were able to read this (which i am certain they won't :P ) i am fckin screwed. But i like to see it like this: IT'S BEEN DONE, GET OVER IT.

For almost 2 weeks i have been eating a lot. I have been doing a lot of catching up with my high school friends. And i am not spending a lot during those eating and catching up sprees. Christel is currently here on vacation from Italy, and she's been dispensing Euros to make her stay here, though short, worthwhile. Last week we literally spent 4 days eating out, and for the first time ever in my employed life i came home very late. Not during-the-early-hours-of-morning late, just mornight late. :)

Day 1 of my "sabbatical" i told myself that i will be finishing every project kept on hold due to tight work schedules. This included photo editing jobs, recording of tracks for my "dream" EP album (which will be released in this blog eventually..), implementing stage for this awesome hoodie i'm working on, etc etc. But sadly, none of these were finished nor started. SO what have i been doing during those days when i am not out with friends? I did some catching up with sleep. Yes, i slept like a maniac. And i watched True Blood during waking hours... and random episodes from HIMYM Season 6... :P

My last post was all about hammering down the last nail in my crusade to finally fulfill my "SexyBack Manifesto". ......yyyeah..I can't do that..at the moment. But i will next week. There are tons of temptations lurking this week for me to take it seriously. I ran around the tracks the other day, supposedly yesterday also but it started pouring. The weather's not cooperating! (excuses, excuses, you're just too lazy to go fat boi).

I believe i need to cut back on some vices. My run the other day consisted mainly of brisk walking. I feel ashamed of myself. It's only been more than a month since my last run (Milo Marathon). And i survived that one. I ran more than i walked. I really, really need to adapt a clean lifestyle. (Last schtick evuhhh!!!!! This time for realZ.)

SO here i am, counting down the days before i resume for work. Christel will be arriving in the morning from Manila, Marian arrived yesterday and she's on leave from her work too. I am pretty sure that we will be going out this afternoon again. And i am certain that the itinerary will mostly involve eating out. I realized that what i have been doing this past 2 weeks is basically what this sabbatical was meant to do for me: Relieve the stress. And its working. Talking with friends, having a few (or more) laughs, reminiscing the good days of High School with coffee or at most times with tons of food, has been very therapeutic for me. I realized that i don't need to stress myself again with those unfinished projects, it's just like incorporating work in this well-deserved break. ALthough those are just hobbies, but i tend to sometimes be perfectionist about them..only adding up to the stress i was aiming to erase.

Now that i am a few days away from work again, i hope i won't be pooled with stress again in the next few days, or weeks. I don't need another sabbatical for now...

I NEED INSPIRATION

As i have mentioned in my 2011 "resolutions/goals" posted 7 months ago, it is one of my plans to bring sexy back using my "SexyBack Manifesto". The manifesto is still alive, taped on my closet's door, gathering dust. At least it's still there, and i am not planning to remove it until i actually achieved what is written in it. My self-designed program is pretty rigorous after reviewing it with the exception of the cardio part. Back in 2010 i only plan to run for 3-4 times/week. But i'm gonna have to be rough on myself this time since i've already hit my boiling point, as much as possible i plan to run 3 days straight, 1 rest day and run 3 days straight again. So that would be 6 days of running in a week. I hope i will be able to survive this and i wish to reach my target weight by the end of this year. I am starting off again with 79 kilograms (that's 174 lbs), with large belly, man-boobs, a very low immune system, high Triglyceride levels, and an increased BP (130's systolic) maintained by amlodipine 5mg once/day. That was the same weight i had 9 months ago when i 'devised' my "SexyBack Manifesto". And my target weight? 60-65 kilograms... or as long as i can finally see my feet everytime i look down (my belly's blocking my view).

my belly blocking the spectacular view of my feet :/

So this is now for real. I did not plan to terrify you with a shirtless photo of me, so, sorry for that. I am hoping that this time i will be serious about losing weight. It's starting to take its toll on me. It's starting to hurt when watchers refer to me as the "fat nurse"... trust me, i can take "jay bakla nga nurse" more than that since i am very much aware that my movements are less masculine than some of the male nurses in the workplace.

And if ever i will be able to go through this, i will no longer have toothpaste suds on my belly, i will be able to see my feet again when i look down, i will no longer be referred to by my patients' watchers as the "fat nurse", i will be able to fit into Singapore's crazy "fitness criteria"... and here i am again counting my chicks before they hatch.

I can't believe i'm gonna say this again... "IKALIKAGUMA'K!!"

ATAOL NI INAY

* my mum forwarded this to me in my e-mail. i thought this story is both tragic and funny. Whoever authored this, though hyperbolic in some parts, tried to convey reality. This showcases how, amid tragedy struck and lack of budget, OFWs still find ways to provide the needs and wants of their loved-ones at home. ENJOY!

Registered nurse si Bebeng sa L.A. Kasama niya ang kanyang ina na nagpagamot doon. Namatay ang ina nito. Dahil sa kamahalan ng pamasahe pabalik sa Pilipinas, nagtipid si Bebeng. Pinauwi na lang niya ang kabaong ng kanyang ina na mag-isa. Pagdating ng kabaong, napansin ng mga kapamilya niya na nakadikit ang mukha ng ina sa salamin ng ataul. Nagkomento tuloy ang isang anak, "Ay, naku! Tingnan mo 'yan... hindi sila marunong mag-ayos ng bangkay sa Amerika! Nakudrado tuloy ang mukha ng inay." Upang ayusin ang itsura ng bangkay, binuksan ang kabaong. Aba! May sulat na-nakastaple sa dibdib ng ina. Kinuha nila ito at binasa. Ang nilalaman ng liham na mula kay Bebeng: Mahal kong tatay at mga kapatid: Pasensya na kayo at hindi ko nasamahan ang nanay sa pag-uwi riyan sa Pilipinas dahil napakamahal ng pamasahe. "Ang gastos ko pa lang sa kanya ay mahigit $10,000 na. Ayoko nang isipin pa ang eksaktong halaga. Anyway, ipinadala ko kasama ni nanay ang mga sumusunod... Nasa likod ni nanay ang dalawampu't apat na karnenorte at isang dosenang spam. Ang adidas na suot ni nanay ay para kay tatay. Ang limang pares ng de-goma ay nasa loob ng dalawang asul na Jansport na backpack na inuunan ni nanay. Tig-iisa kayo. Ang iba't-ibang klase ng tsokolate at candy ay nasa puwetan ni nanay. Para sa mga bata ito. Bahala na kayong magparte-parte. Sana'y hindi natunaw. Ang pokemon stuffed toy na yapos-yapos ni nanay ay para sa bunso ni ate. Gift Ko sa first birthday ng bata. Ang itim na Esprit bag ay para kay Nene. Ate, nasa loob ng bag ang pictures ni inay, japanese version ng pokemon trading cards at stickers. "Suot ni nanay ang tatlong Ralph Lauren, apat na Gap at dalawang Old Navy t-shirts. Ang isa ay para kay Kuya at tig-iisa ang mga pamangkin ko. Maisusuot ninyo ang mga iyan sa fiesta. Suot din ni inay ang anim na panty hose at tatlong warmer para sa mga dalaga kong pamangkin. Isuot nyo sa party.May isang dosenang NBA caps sa may paanan ni nanay. Para sa inyo, itay, kuya, dikong, Tiyo Romy. Bigyan nyo na rin ng tig-isa 'yung mga pamangkin ko at 'yong isa ay kay Pareng Tulume. Ang tigdadalawang pares ng Nike wristband at knee caps na suot-suot din ni nanay ay para sa mga anak mo, diko, na nagbabasketball. Tigdadalawang ream ng Marlboro lights at Winston red ang nasa pagitan ng mga hita ni nanay. Apat na jar ng Skippy Peanut Butter, dalawang dishwashing liquid, isang Kiwi glass cleaner at tig-aanim na Colgate at Aqua Fresh ang nakasiksik sa kilikili ni nanay. Hati-hati na kayo, huwag mag-aagawan. Isang dosenang Wonder bra (Victoria's Secret ata ang tatak) gustong-gusto ni Tiya Iskang society natin, suot-suot din ni nanay. Alam kong inaasam-asam nyo 'yan, tiya. Anim na lipstick lang ang kasya sa bra. Ang Rolex na bilin-bilin mo tatay, suot-suot ni nanay. Nakatakip sa Nike na wristband. Kunin mo agad, Itay. May isinisik akong zip-loc sa bunganga ni Inay na naglalaman ng $759 dollars. Hindi na ako nakatakbo sa ATM. Puede na siguro sa libing iyon. Yung tong na makokolekta, i-time deposit niyo Kuya para pag namatay si Tatay may pambili na ng ataul. Ang hikaw, singsing at kuwintas (na may nakakabit pang anim na nail cutters) nagustong-gusto mo, ditse, ay suot- suot din ni nanay. Kunin mo na rin agad, ditse. Ibigay mo ang isang nailcutter kay Jay bakla sa kanto. Tanggalin niyo ang bulak sa ilong ng inay, may isiniksik ako 3 diyamante sa bawat butas. Ibangon niyo lang si inay at tiyak na malalaglag na ang mga iyon. Konting alog lang siguro ng ulo. Marami pa sana akong ipaglalalagay kaya lang, baka mag-excess at si nanay pa ang maiwan. Basta parte-parte kayo, tatay, kuya, ate, dikong, ditse. Para sa inyo lahat ito. Bahala na kayo kay nanay. Pamimisahan ko na lang siya rito. Balitaan ninyo na lang ako pagkatapos ng libing. Alam ni ate ang email ko. Paki-double check ang lista kung walang nawala sa mga ipinadala ko. Nagmamahal, Bebeng

YESTERDAY WAS BUT A DREAM (Short Story)

Yesterday she told him that they need to step it up... go on another level. He choked and left her standing by the platform. And without any parting words she was all alone.

Yesterday she dreamt about falling in an endless abyss. The light above her shrinking into a pinhole as the darkness engulfed her. She felt the cold air against her cheek instantly cooling the warm tears that were constantly flowing from her eyes. She was flaccid, just let gravity do its job. "This is my destiny" she thought and as soon as she opened her eyes she was awakened by the sound of her mobile phone ringing.

Yesterday she drank the finest wine she has ever tasted in her miserable existence. She let the bittersweet liquid dance around every taste bud in her mouth until finally releasing it down the length of her throat experiencing the sweetest sensation of warmth incomparable to anything she let slip down her throat in her miserable existence. She was savoring the hints of the wine left in her mouth until she was interrupted by the loud clank of silverware from the seat across her. He accidentally dropped the large slice of steak from his fork.

Yesterday she received a phone call in the middle of the her mid-day slumber. "Pick you up at 8. Let's have dinner" the caller from the other line said. And before she could say "Yes" the caller hung up.

Yesterday she was standing on the platform waiting for the train to arrive, he was beside her, quiet.. breathing deeply. She glanced at him for a second. He did not look back. She slipped her hand around his arm. She expected warmth but she felt nothing. She was reminded of her dream during her mid-day slumber. The feeling of aloneness started to engulf every inch of her being and out of panic she blurted out the words "I THINK WE SHOULD MOVE TOGETHER!". He looked at her with no hint of feeling in his eyes, pulled his arm away from her and walked towards the exit without looking back. And without any parting words she was all alone.

Yesterday she was left in the platform and as the emotions crept up against her thick surface she started to feel aloneness rapidly engulfing her every being as hole starts to appear from where she was standing, growing... large enough to devour her and send her falling down an endless abyss, falling as the light above her slowly shrinks into a pinhole letting the darkness swallow her whole, the cold air brushing against her exposed skin, as tears streamed from her eyes..... and then a sudden flash of blinding light.

Yesterday she woke up from her living room sofa, the final rays of the sun for the day hitting her eyes from the window. Yesterday was but a dream... a dream within a dream.

I WAS INVITED TO TAKE PART IN A CHRISTIAN CEREMONY

Last April I was asked by Eunice to be one of the godparents of his son Carl. Since she is a very good friend of mine, i immediately said yes. It may seem shocking or disloyal to those who know me very well, i may have, at some point, doubted my own decision, but it really did happen. I, a self-pronounced excommunicate of the Roman Catholic church, and a self-proclaimed non-believer, said "yes" to attend a christening or as Eunice's church would put it a "dedication to the Lord Almighty".

So here's the deal on this one. I am a non-believer. I have been one since mid-2010. And i am proud to announce it to the world. Agreeing to be the godparent of Carl may seem like a gesture of disloyalty to my own chosen path. But i do not believe in that. In my defense to those who criticized me (~i know one, but i know there were others), i consider myself a non-discriminating person. Offer me to take part in a ceremony in your church and i will be grateful. I actually consider it to be an honor when i am asked to be like this, or like that in somebody's wedding/christening/funeral etc. because i am being made to believe that these people whom i treat like shit (ok, maybe not, but you get the point) sometimes actually trust me in the bottom of their hearts.... and that they are willing to risk a slot for me in those souvenir photos. Unlike some (most) believers i advocate brotherly/sisterly love outside organized religions.

So i took part in Carl's dedication to the Lord Almighty. I listened to the Pastor and i honestly thought he is very nice. As i listen to his preachings i maintained an open mind. That was the first time i entered a non-Catholic mass/service wherein i actually paid attention. I expected a revelation to occur in me but... nothing. I admire his teachings but if i am going to put those in practice why should i do it for someone else unseen? Why not do it for myself, for the people around me? So i promised myself that i will set a good example for Carl. That i will be a dedicated godparent as long as he sees me. So that he may grow up to be a wise, open-minded person with his own beliefs. We did the pledge/dedication/acceptance thing but i did not dare mouth back the words the Pastor were feeding us. That would be too much to be shoved down my throat. :P

AND THIS IS WHERE THE CRUEL WORLD PART BEGINS

This is "Cruel World", a song written by Magi Martin and music by me. It started with a joke about me making music for an EP album and i told Magi, "you love to write right? give me a copy of any poem you have and ill try to write some music on it." So i read the poem she gave me and it sounded a bit dark--ish. The title was mine-- since it was untitled when she gave me the copy. She told me that it was written during those gloomy, "un-thankful" days in her household. So yeah, give it a try, and if you liked it, don't hesitate to comment. Violent reactions are appreciated too. :P
Vocals... i mean caterwauls provided by moi, recorded in my bedroom using Audacity, mixed using Audition etc. etc. etc. Spare me the technical stuff and just listen owkei? Please.. hehehe

PASABOG --- TRANSLATION: BOMBS

'PASABOG'
It has been revelations after revelations unfolding before me eversince this year started. Some shook the fuck out of me, while some just gave me a reason to drink lots of fluids in order for the 'pasabog-hardened-crap' to pass through easier. But most of these pasabogs involve something which could literally make the recipient of the pasabog explode if i let my imagination manifest in this unnatural world. I'm talking about pregnancy.
The BIG 'P'.
In less than a month i've already received 4 Big P's. The most recent one i just heard this afternoon. The 1st 3 were good friends of mine, the 4th was something else...i dare not give any details from this point since it was 3rd hand information when it got to me. Let's just say that the mere mention of this 4th Big P in this post is already a violation of 'trust' --- relation to famous condom brand not intended.

So what about this Big P thing?

Well that's quite simple, it puts me, and others outside the Big P circle, in this awkward situation wherein we ask ourselves:
"What have i been doing with my life?"
What have i been doing with my life anyway? I constantly keep talking about waiting for this metaphorical rocket to come, and in the past i force myself to deny the fact that i am not doing something worthwhile to prepare for its arrival. But now i am proud to say that i have already built a sturdy frame made not from wood and cardboard but with the finest NASA approved steel. And i REALLY am waiting for this rocket to come...SOON.
I remember asking Big P #2, a few days before i started building my rocket's frame, what her plans are, and she told me she's gonna keep the baby and let her future husband merge his future plans with hers. I thought they are both lucky to have each other and i wish them the bestest. And then i remember her asking me the day she revealed her pasabog what my pasabog is. I had to admit that i was baffled for like a few seconds. I did'nt know how to answer her. So i just made a lame ass joke about B.O. or something being my pasabog and until now that answer still haunts me it actually still gives me the creeps! (LLLAAAAAME!!!) That few seconds was my 'what have i been doing with my life?' moment and i guess i panicked. But i believe can answer her question..maybe not now, maybe soon, and i don't mean to count my chicks before they hatch but i think i might have a shot at this not-so-new venture i have recently embarked on. I hope that by the 2nd quarter i will already have a pasabog for 2011. My pasabog will be the roar of my rocketships hydrogen-powered double engine.

I am gonna start the year of the rabbit right. I already have a good headstart i believe. I stand to what Valto told me that this is OUR (1987-born nerds like me) year. THIS IS OUR YEAR and not even some sorry-arsed delusional prophet-deity will take it from us. AMEN!


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AND I AM TELLING YOU... I NEED TO SET-UP A TRIAGE FOR INCOMING CALLS

"Prioritize" is my word for the week and perhaps for the rest of the year. Being a self-diagnosed ADHD i think i ought to make it as a mantra, and what better way to start this year right than to set-up some ground rules... starting with CALLS.

I usually do not receive phone calls from a lot of people, i rarely text or call unless it's urgent or necessary, and i especially HATE it when i pull myself out from what i am currently doing just to answer my phone. Being a self-diagnosed ADHD, the slightest distraction from my main focus might, but most probably will, direct me to another task. I am pleased to inform you that my job, work, occupation and profession does not require me to sit all day, infront of the computer monitor, with coffee and cigarette breaks, constantly chatting leisurely with my co-workers. My job, work, occupation and profession is all about dynamism. DYNAMIC! DYNAMIC! DYNAMIC! (with accompanying clapping or hand waving gesture whichever you prefer). And we rarely engage in leisurely talks with our co-workers, and almost every break time is always a working break. Because unlike most jobs, it's life we are dealing with for crying out loud!!! And I may sound somewhat hyperbolic in this part of this post so i think i'm gonna have to shut up now and proceed with my point. :)

I then officially declare a Triage for my incoming calls. Here is a scenario:

I am at work, doing my usual chores, "saving lives" (yeah, whatever)

*ring* *ring* (or in my case, *INTERGALACTIC, PLANETARY, INTERGALACTIC, IIIINTERGALACTIC*)

Please note that whatever it is you are about to say, that it requires you to hear my voice, i shall consider it urgent or an emergency.

I answer my phone, causing me to dismiss my attention to a current task.

"Hellow?"

"Adda jay orders mon. Umay mon to alan."

"Owkei. Isu lang?"

"Wen. Bye."

And then you hang-up.

In my brain another day just passed. The first thing i see after that conversation might, but most likely will, automatically drive me to it diverting me from my previous, unfinished task. And in my mind i would be cursing you all day for being a distraction... thus decreasing my merits from your god.

Rule # 1:

If it is still not that bothersome to send it through text, SMS, MMS, etc feel free to do that before calling me. Because i don't want to be distracted. Your call might kill a patient. And whenever i hear my ringtone it always delivers a "kick" in my groin opting me to answer it first and abandon what i am doing. And in my line of work that is dangerous you know...

Rule # 2:

I will only answer to text messages which would require a decent reply, like if you are asking a question. If your text is a statement, consider my silence to be : "yes, i got that." No need to send it to me 20 times, drop call me 10x, or worse, actually call me.

Rule # 3:

My replies to your questions through text will be considered complete and i will only answer unanswered questions. I will try my best to answer any possible follow-up questions, and every information shall be absolutely final. 'Pag nangungulit ka lang ("xur nb yn?" etc.) hindi na kita rereply'an bobey. For me "LOAD is GOLD", and yeah i know it rhymes, it was unintentionalll...

Rule # 4:

If you decide to call me you better have a good reason why you are calling me. Or else i would only be cursing your soul for the rest of my day.

Rule # 5:

If necessary i have the right to silence my phone while you are calling. That would teach you how to text first.

Rule # 6:

Please abide by these rules in order for me to maintain my concentration with whatever i am doing because time is gold, right timing is proper gold-digging. ok?

Summary:

GREEN -- must be texted always, no matter what. DO NOT call, just text. It usually includestatements such as "D2 n me" "D2 me fountain,wil w8 4u" "CR lng me" "Mern na ordrs u" "Pnta na u,pnta na me" etc.

YELLOW -- still, just text me, if there's no reply from me, it might mean i am busy, but i will make it a point to answer back ASAP if necessary. This usually includes inquiries which do not require my immediate attention (my own standards), but i can always weigh the situation if it is urgent on your part or not.

RED -- call without delay. If you decide to text me instead, i'll be the one to call you at the soonest possible time. I prefer calls for these situations since i seldom check my phone for messages.

BLACK -- texts i will just delete. nagsa-sayang ka lang ng load, network signal, oras etc. This usually include smileys out of nowhere, "Hi", "Hw r u?" etc. Mga sitwasyon na sasayang lang sa neurons ko. I need these neurons to function properly, especially now that my brain is being slowly depleted of oxygen because my respiratory tract is clogged with phlegm.

** This is a work of fiction, conceptualized as a form of leisure for the readers. This must not be taken seriously... but seriously, be ethical enough to text first before you call if your message is not important. It is lighter to text, load-wise, neurons-wise, network space-wise, and i could go on with this -wise, -wise bullcrap all day.. So please, just text. If i deem it necessary to reply back ASAP, i will, but if not, please do not waste my time. Because a minute talking to you about nonsense (in my own standards) is a minute of doing something useful for me to realize that i deserve my salary. Thank you.